Time Machine (updated with Q&A)
Date: 2005-06-21, 1:38PM EDT
Greetings future Chrononaught! You are currently setting your eyes to “stunned” while you gaze upon this marvel of technology. Since the beginning of time man has wanted to travel through it. And now you can! Built by a crack team of scienticians this machine is like no other on the planet! Merely once a school boys dream, this dream is now a reality to the members of the OCTT (Order of Chrononaughts and Time Travelers). The OCTT was formed after a fascination turned obsession, and then turned to charming obsession. With Advanced technology designed and built by these passionate persons, this one of a kind machine is now for sale to the public. The government has tried multiple times to steal and sabotage the OCTT’s invention. Buy this machine quickly before this machine is snatched by the feds! Please make an offer, and I will be glad to entertain any trades you might have!
Still not convinced this machine is worth your time? Buy it and get your time back! Want more? Win big cash at the horse races! Go back and marry the person you really loved! Or how about not getting in the car that one fateful night! Maybe YOU were the person who REALLY invented the light bulb! Anything is possible with this machine!!! DO NOT PASS UP THIS OPPORTUNITY! THE RICHES OF A THOUSAND KINGS AWAITS!!!
Please note This machine has not been officially documented, certified, guaranteed, licensed or approved by any organization, government, association of any kind. The outcome is not definite or guaranteed and we are not responsible for any un-working parts, injury, broken parts, or the time machine not working in general and not putting you back or forward in time. There are absolutely NO REFUNDS ! This machine, once given to you is in your hands. Good luck.
Also, I hereby give you my oath (the OCTT oath) that once I have your money, that I will not go back in time and erase evidence of the ad, and your knowledge of this fine piece of equipment.
**As I have received many questions about my time machine, I decided to answer in this forum.
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Q. If the riches of a thousand kings await, then why are you selling it?
A. I spend most of my time in the future, since becoming a member of the OCTT. There, nothing of monetary value means anything, except for the size of your schlong. Since I am already rich (you know what I am talking about), I have no need for the riches of a thousand kings.
Q. So what your saying is i could go back in time and then do what i want change my life then then got tte time just befor i bought it and owe you nothing how much
A. Yes, essentially you could do this. However, I like to believe that the person I sell this to will be honest. Also, remember that I can travel in time before giving it to you to ensure that you will not use it for this purpose.
Q. OK, how much???
A. Please make a respectable offer. If it is money I accept, I will gladly donate it to charity as the future does not need currency, only a long schlong.
Q. Wow!!! I have been looking for on for some time now. It looks like the basic model though. Does yours come with any upgrades?
A. Our newest model (which we use for ourselves) comes with a cloaking device and a nice microfridge for holding Mountain Dew and frozen burritos.
Q: Does this really work? If so, I will pay top dollar. Because back in 82 I was able to throw a pig-skin a 1/4 mile and I would like to do it again.
A: Oh yes good sir this thing really does work! Hopefully you will be able to go back to 1982 and throw your pig skin into oblivion! P.S.- you may want to lay off Napoleon Dynamite for a while.
Q: I am very interested in the machine. I feel nervous contacting you because I have been the victim of fraud in the past. Which is one of the reasons I need a time machine, I can’t tell you any other reasons or your life would be in danger. It might already be in danger, be careful.
What is the power source for the machine? I don’t want to make a purchase only to find out I need a rare crystal or einsteinium rod that is impossible to obtain.
P.S. I am ready to go into the future as well, for my schlong is abnormally large.
Contact me as soon as possible, my life may depend upon it!
A: Right now, it uses plutonium. However, the next model uses simple human feces as its power source. Included in that model is your very own toilet and newspaper from the year 2016, when currency becomes obsolete.
Q: Great invention!!! Can I pay you in schlong?
A: Thank you, and no, I do not accept payments of schlong. Impressively, I have more than enough to make me quite wealthy in the future. However, I am certain your mother loves her payments in schlong, or at least she did when we conceived you (I just used the time machine to check-- yep your mom likes schlong more than money, she will love the future).
Q: If this said time machine works…Why do you not just contact the future buyer in person rather then wait for him to find you?? Could you also go back in time and fix the Cubs chance at the world series??
A: Yes, I do know who the future buyer is, I am just waiting for them to contact me. I foresaw this was how I would contact them. I also foresaw that in the future, you are a very poor man.
Also, you may travel in time to ‘try’ and fix the Cubs’ chance, but I strongly recommend you not doing this, because it may cause cataclysmic damage to the universe as we know it. We all saw the damage done when one of my fellow OCTTers changed the series for the Red Sox pure mayhem ensued.
Q: Hey it’s me sorry it took so long for me to get ahold of you. Well I guess it’s not long for you. Anyway I am ready to take the time machine. Let me know when it would be a good time to do the transaction. I’m in Kansas City right now but I guess you probably know that. Okay then, thanks a million.
PS congratulations on the schlong thing.
A: Thank you for the compliment, I am quite proud of it myself. Unfortunately, I have looked into the future and found that although one day you will also be part of the OCTT, this is not your time. Also, one day you as well will be quite rich.