This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale itās real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong he could see hardly a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly starts moving again. The guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost car will go off the road and he will plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand re-appear every time they reach a curve. Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car, and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a cantina and, voice quavering, orders two shots of tequila, and tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence envelopes everybody when they realize the guy is apparently sane and not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina. One says to the other,
āLook Pepe, thatās the idiot that rode in our car when we were pushing it.ā
I was in Australia, when I saw a black geezer playing āDancing Queenā on the Didgeridoo. I thought āOh, thatās Abbarigonalā****Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.****Q: Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the first squirrel.****Q: Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a new kind of game.****A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch and says āa pint, pleaseā
āSure,ā says the barman ābut do you know youāve got a steering wheel on your crotch?ā
āYeah, I know,ā says the man āitās driving me nutsā****Q: Why are there no asprin in the jungle?
A: Because the parrots eat 'em all.****A guy wakes up and hears a voice in his head. That voice says āGet up! Get up!ā so he does as heās told. The voice in his head goes āGet in your car!ā so he does. The voice says āGo to the bank and get all your money!ā so he does. Then the voice says āGo to Las Vegas!ā So he does. The voice goes āGo in the 3rd casino on the left and check into room 3219!ā So he does. The voice then says āGo to the 4th roulette table on the right. Put all your money on 17!ā Heās like āOh my Godā¦ā He goes down to the 4th roulette table on the right and puts all his money on 17. The wheel spins, and spins and spins and eventually stops onā¦16! And the voice in his head goes āF**K!ā
Two nuns, driving throught Transylvania, when suddenly Dracula lands on their car windscreen. āQuick!ā says one, āItās Dracula, show him your cross!ā The other leans out of the window and shouts āF**k off, Draculaā
It was the year 2544, and it was time to harvest the gibs from out of the ears of the herd of Jamfar beasts. As you well know, to harvest the gibs, the herd must be forced into the harvesting band, where the conveyer belt takes them around all the devices that wash, loosen and finally extract the gibs. And, as Iām sure you also know, Jamfar beasts are somewhat loathe to enter into the band as they have an innate fear of circles, due to their position in the foodchain relative to the Hoolabird. Farmer Gilliham had devised a new technique for getting the Jamfar beasts into the band, and he had decided to try it out with his assistant, Kevin. What he had developed was a dart gun which would deliver to the leader of the herd a drug which should boost itās sense of smell. He called this BOO, or āBooster of Olfactory Originationā. He had also covered the walls just after the start of the conveyer belt with the Jamfarās favourite Usbut plant. He hoped that the Jamfar leader would find itās smell too difficult to resist, and that the rest of the herd would follow.
When it came time to test it, Gilliham stood by the entrance to the band, while Kevin readied the BOO. Keven knew that he should only fire the gun at the Jamfar herdās leader when it was near the entrance as, even with a boosted sense of smell, it might not detect the plant otherwise. When Kevin first saw his oppourtunity, he fired. He missed and he hit Farmer Gilliham in the bum instead. Although annoyed (and somewhat overcome by the boosted stench of the beasts), Gilliham indicated to Kevin to try again. Kevin fired a second time, and this time he hit the beast. After this it was plain sailing and the rest of the plan worked like a treat. The herd filed into the band, and the crop was harvested from the Jamfar beastsā ears with very little trouble at all.
As Kevin celebrated how much money this revolutionary invention was going to bring the two of them, the only thing that Farmer Gilliham could think was āa herd in the band is worth BOO in the tushā.****
Enough of the jokes. No, you donāt need to spout hatered to be funny. Oh, check out my sig, too. Thatās a joke, and itās not prejudiced against anyone, either.
Not an excuse. Especially as your ājokesā donāt fulfull the first requirement - theyāre not remotely funny.