TimeLooper
Temporal Novice
I'm a 36-year-old woman living in Upstate New York in the United States. It's my perception that I'm experiencing yet another time loop in a long line of many. I'm open to different reasons/causes of this experience and wish to gain a better understanding of the situation in which I repeatedly find myself. I'm not distressed by the overall reason, overall outcome, or overall cause of this experience. I am, however, curious about its very nature and wonder if knowledge of my experience would be beneficial to the field of science or to individuals with similar experiences. I'm also getting pretty tired of dealing with it and simply-- but most distressing-- bored of doing the same things over and over again. It's not like I'm on any mission or saving the world from anything.
For anyone wondering about mental illness, here's my background: I have well-controlled Bipolar 1 Disorder; it was diagnosed when I was in my early 20s and I take the prescribed medication for it, leaving me with only slight mania if I don't sleep enough, which leads to greater socialization than usual and times when I do more cleaning and organizing than usual, but not to the point of being awake or busy for days at a time, and without neglecting responsibilities. As far as depression, I become less social and spend more time alone reading and watching TV and movies and sleep a bit more than usual.
At a recent appointment with one of my neurologists, I did share my experience of the time loops in case it's some symptom of illness, and she said that she's unfamiliar with this sort of experience and that I have neither brain damage nor seizures which would explain it. She referred it to psych, so I'll address it with the mental health professional I'll be seeing later this month. In terms of medical issues shortly preceding my re-experience of the time looping, I was unconscious for a period of 18 hours here at home. My mother was unable to rouse me. I was recently given a 3 day ambulatory EEG to investigate that incident and am still awaiting the results. I'm also doing a home sleep study next week, which is to investigate persisting memory loss in that I don't remember blocks of time which has occurred since during the time when I had the Guillain-Barre Syndrome. It's minor, now, but the doctors (and I) do wish to discover the cause and a potential preventative measure or cure for the cause. It's not so severe now but, some months ago, I would consistently become confused about the season, whether I'd eaten, what tasks were planned for the coming day, etc. I Think that I was given some sort of tests for my memory and it was found to be normal. But, then again, I may be remembering tests for lack of memory completed during a previous time loop. Ironic to have added memories as well as missing ones.
But, lately, my memory is working fine and my mother (with whom I live and who was was keeping track of my health and care when I couldn't) is very impressed with my recent progress and positive outcomes in terms of my memory and physical condition-- I had to go through about a year of physical therapy to regain my strength and coordination following the paralysis. I'm no longer confused or forgetting blocks of time (my memory is pretty hazy for the few years following my cure, however). There are few changes/alterations made over the course of the successive time loops, with most changes having been made gradually over numerous loops. It's more a matter of minor alterations. Making major changes appears to be impossible-- or impossible enough that it hasn't been figured out. And the changes are very small-- for example, at this time of year in many previous loops, I was using primarily my wheelchair and a walker. This time loop (as in many of the recent past), I need only one Lofstrand crutch and will soon not need even that. In fact, soon after this most recent time loop started, I asked my mom why I was using it again and she said I haven't gotten past using just one. I've been working hard at strengthening and now do need it only some of the time; the physical therapists weren't positive even that would happen. I remember not using it. In early time loops, I had the awful experience of being at the nursing home "Again" and would ask why I had to keep going back. That was awful. I don't ever remember the entire previous loops; I remember people and some events, some of which don't occur again, which is fortunate as some were horrific. I became pregnant and the baby died at 4 months of gestation due to an infection I had. I remember the induced "birth" and my mother telling me, Don't look, Sweetie... It's a horrifying memory. Since then, I'm very careful about whom I'm intimate with and careful not to get pregnant.
Some of the early time loops restart in earlier times within about a year and a half of the present loop. So, there are some different people who were met, known before, and aren't met/known now, some whom it's become clear are to be avoided, and others with whom there is a strong connection and varying mutual degrees of memory and awareness of past time loops. Each loop runs for up to 7 years, so approximately 2016-2023. Some loops have run for shorter periods of time-- I Think, but am not positive. My memory of previous loops used to be better. I remember lying on a pavilion on which some friends and I always sat and covering my eyes with fabric, describing that various friends would show up at various times, and strangers dressed in various ways would be passing by this way or that on the sidewalk. I used to remember that one former friend rapes a mutual friend and sometimes be able to warn her in time to just not be alone with him no matter how harmless he may seem. For many horrific cycles, he raped her on two or three separate occasions, resulting in serious physical damage to her. She eventually began breaking off her friendship with him and became progressively better in each loop at keeping herself away from him and safe as the loops have increased. I don't think she gets raped the second and third times, these loops. But her only other viable option is to go home to a horrible family, so there's really no winning for Marie, as I've come to assess the situation. This time, she was raped once; I didn't remember that it happens until after it already had. So, that's an example of the type of changes which occur-- and sometimes don't. It's not always for the better.
There was a loop that used to start in fall 2015 or earlier, but I hate that one because I remember Marie from other time loops but never meet her in the fall one, and just know she's out there Somewhere, suffering and going through who knows what kind or depth of hell. This begins-in-Spring loop is more difficult for me, in terms of physical ability as I'm still using one lofstrand crutch much of the time and there are more stressful circumstances in my life such as the rapist harassing me for supporting Marie, but I decided to stay with the Spring one so I could be here for Marie again. She remembers that the loops happen but not much more than that, but does remember that John used to rape her on multiple occasions when she kept trying to renew a friendship with him after what he did the first time. So she does stay away from him now. Thus far, and--to my recollection-- in the future of the time loop, these are the sorts of situations on which I make an impact, by helping to empower friends and family members to better handle their day-to-day and more serious problems.
I don't work in the science or medical field, so it isn't as though I'm apparently here to make increasingly major discoveries or something like that, as might occur in a movie or TV series! My time loop series wouldn't make it past the first month of airings! I'm now well enough to return to my work at a local college and perhaps even to navigate campus at the other college to complete my last semester of classes for my Bachelor's Degree at the university this coming spring, after which I hope to teach while pursuing my masters degree. I do like playing a part in improving the lives of others, but those improvements seem to have reached their limits many loops ago. There may be more I can do in the next 7 years. I don't currently recall making significant changes since many, many loops ago and know plenty of people with plenty of problems I can't help to fix. It seems like there ought to be a scientific or medical component to my experience, because I can't imagine this happening over... and over... and oooooover ad infinitum without any further improvement in some life, somewhere.
And I should mention that I am still affected by the aftermath of the Guillain-Barre and the overall weakness of my immune system. In fact, I'm having a flare up which requires treatment again, for the first time in years. (I should mention that this time loop experience has been going on for a number of months, far longer than the symptoms of illness recurred.) I'm not a scientist or a doctor. I don't have a lot of opportunity to make big changes in Anything over the next seven years and, as I recall well from other loops, I keep having debilitating flare ups just as I am right now, so how on Earth I can do anything extra is beyond my ability to understand.
In fact, I remember eventually becoming so very ill that I simply wish to no longer be here and stop pursuing medical treatment, because I get so tired of suffering and putting my friends and relatives through it all. I've already lived as much of this life as it appears I'll ever get to! I've tried meditation and even prayer (I'm not religious or spiritual, even, but it seemed worth a shot) just to make the time loops stop so I can continue on past 7 years from when a time loop starts. This time, I just Wish and hope for some scientific solution or, frankly, perhaps to be so heavily medicated that I don't have to fully experience everything again. I realize that life may become more difficult, and I may end up with more illnesses as I get older, and certainly I'll lose loved ones. But seriously, I'm up to over 40 times of repeating this time loop-- and note that I decided to stop trying to keep track around forty and hoped/wished/asked/put out to the universe or whomever or whatever that I remember less in order to prevent my brain melting due to pure boredom.
I love my family, friends, animals, and the world but I've had them for a crazy amount of time already and don't wish to continue watching them struggle, either. Many of us aren't super healthy or anywhere near wealthy, so it's not like we're even livin' the good life. In some time loops, I worked on writing. I wrote children's books. I work on horror novels. But I end up realizing that I'm unable to keep up with the work required to succeed as an author in the industry as it stands now... not to mention the tedium of rewriting what is not particularly intellectually stimulating material. Additionally, I should note that I had at least one brain MRI while I was ill and it was normal. I recently had a head CT-- ordered due to leg weakness-- which was also normal. I thank you very much for your time in reading this!
Does anyone know of some kind of scientific professional who studies such matters and would be willing to try and figure out what is going "wrong" here? I consider it to be "wrong" because I'm not happy and no new positive changes occur for others. Short of a major health improvement-- and my condition is chronic (forever) with flare ups, in addition to other health problems-- it isn't as though I can decide to switch tracks and do anything significant in the world, nor do I know whether that would stop the time loops. Maybe they'd continue so that I'd keep making those changes. I want to 1) Understand how and why this is happening, scientifically speaking and, 2) Continue on past 7 years and not come back to do this yet another time. There should be 7 years until it starts all over again, so I have a little time to figure it out. I think that, previously, I ended up not pursuing a scientific method for stopping the time loops because I wanted more time with family and friends. But they are suffering over and over, too, (short of a multiverse-type situation) and I'm tired of watching them suffer. I'd like-- short of some catastrophe, which is always possible-- to live the next seven years and then live the next however many years I have left in this life. If it's just seven and what comes next is nothingness (which is what I essentially believe in, although time loop wackiness makes one wonder about a lot of options) or nothing worse than this life, I want to move on.
For anyone wondering about mental illness, here's my background: I have well-controlled Bipolar 1 Disorder; it was diagnosed when I was in my early 20s and I take the prescribed medication for it, leaving me with only slight mania if I don't sleep enough, which leads to greater socialization than usual and times when I do more cleaning and organizing than usual, but not to the point of being awake or busy for days at a time, and without neglecting responsibilities. As far as depression, I become less social and spend more time alone reading and watching TV and movies and sleep a bit more than usual.
At a recent appointment with one of my neurologists, I did share my experience of the time loops in case it's some symptom of illness, and she said that she's unfamiliar with this sort of experience and that I have neither brain damage nor seizures which would explain it. She referred it to psych, so I'll address it with the mental health professional I'll be seeing later this month. In terms of medical issues shortly preceding my re-experience of the time looping, I was unconscious for a period of 18 hours here at home. My mother was unable to rouse me. I was recently given a 3 day ambulatory EEG to investigate that incident and am still awaiting the results. I'm also doing a home sleep study next week, which is to investigate persisting memory loss in that I don't remember blocks of time which has occurred since during the time when I had the Guillain-Barre Syndrome. It's minor, now, but the doctors (and I) do wish to discover the cause and a potential preventative measure or cure for the cause. It's not so severe now but, some months ago, I would consistently become confused about the season, whether I'd eaten, what tasks were planned for the coming day, etc. I Think that I was given some sort of tests for my memory and it was found to be normal. But, then again, I may be remembering tests for lack of memory completed during a previous time loop. Ironic to have added memories as well as missing ones.
But, lately, my memory is working fine and my mother (with whom I live and who was was keeping track of my health and care when I couldn't) is very impressed with my recent progress and positive outcomes in terms of my memory and physical condition-- I had to go through about a year of physical therapy to regain my strength and coordination following the paralysis. I'm no longer confused or forgetting blocks of time (my memory is pretty hazy for the few years following my cure, however). There are few changes/alterations made over the course of the successive time loops, with most changes having been made gradually over numerous loops. It's more a matter of minor alterations. Making major changes appears to be impossible-- or impossible enough that it hasn't been figured out. And the changes are very small-- for example, at this time of year in many previous loops, I was using primarily my wheelchair and a walker. This time loop (as in many of the recent past), I need only one Lofstrand crutch and will soon not need even that. In fact, soon after this most recent time loop started, I asked my mom why I was using it again and she said I haven't gotten past using just one. I've been working hard at strengthening and now do need it only some of the time; the physical therapists weren't positive even that would happen. I remember not using it. In early time loops, I had the awful experience of being at the nursing home "Again" and would ask why I had to keep going back. That was awful. I don't ever remember the entire previous loops; I remember people and some events, some of which don't occur again, which is fortunate as some were horrific. I became pregnant and the baby died at 4 months of gestation due to an infection I had. I remember the induced "birth" and my mother telling me, Don't look, Sweetie... It's a horrifying memory. Since then, I'm very careful about whom I'm intimate with and careful not to get pregnant.
Some of the early time loops restart in earlier times within about a year and a half of the present loop. So, there are some different people who were met, known before, and aren't met/known now, some whom it's become clear are to be avoided, and others with whom there is a strong connection and varying mutual degrees of memory and awareness of past time loops. Each loop runs for up to 7 years, so approximately 2016-2023. Some loops have run for shorter periods of time-- I Think, but am not positive. My memory of previous loops used to be better. I remember lying on a pavilion on which some friends and I always sat and covering my eyes with fabric, describing that various friends would show up at various times, and strangers dressed in various ways would be passing by this way or that on the sidewalk. I used to remember that one former friend rapes a mutual friend and sometimes be able to warn her in time to just not be alone with him no matter how harmless he may seem. For many horrific cycles, he raped her on two or three separate occasions, resulting in serious physical damage to her. She eventually began breaking off her friendship with him and became progressively better in each loop at keeping herself away from him and safe as the loops have increased. I don't think she gets raped the second and third times, these loops. But her only other viable option is to go home to a horrible family, so there's really no winning for Marie, as I've come to assess the situation. This time, she was raped once; I didn't remember that it happens until after it already had. So, that's an example of the type of changes which occur-- and sometimes don't. It's not always for the better.
There was a loop that used to start in fall 2015 or earlier, but I hate that one because I remember Marie from other time loops but never meet her in the fall one, and just know she's out there Somewhere, suffering and going through who knows what kind or depth of hell. This begins-in-Spring loop is more difficult for me, in terms of physical ability as I'm still using one lofstrand crutch much of the time and there are more stressful circumstances in my life such as the rapist harassing me for supporting Marie, but I decided to stay with the Spring one so I could be here for Marie again. She remembers that the loops happen but not much more than that, but does remember that John used to rape her on multiple occasions when she kept trying to renew a friendship with him after what he did the first time. So she does stay away from him now. Thus far, and--to my recollection-- in the future of the time loop, these are the sorts of situations on which I make an impact, by helping to empower friends and family members to better handle their day-to-day and more serious problems.
I don't work in the science or medical field, so it isn't as though I'm apparently here to make increasingly major discoveries or something like that, as might occur in a movie or TV series! My time loop series wouldn't make it past the first month of airings! I'm now well enough to return to my work at a local college and perhaps even to navigate campus at the other college to complete my last semester of classes for my Bachelor's Degree at the university this coming spring, after which I hope to teach while pursuing my masters degree. I do like playing a part in improving the lives of others, but those improvements seem to have reached their limits many loops ago. There may be more I can do in the next 7 years. I don't currently recall making significant changes since many, many loops ago and know plenty of people with plenty of problems I can't help to fix. It seems like there ought to be a scientific or medical component to my experience, because I can't imagine this happening over... and over... and oooooover ad infinitum without any further improvement in some life, somewhere.
And I should mention that I am still affected by the aftermath of the Guillain-Barre and the overall weakness of my immune system. In fact, I'm having a flare up which requires treatment again, for the first time in years. (I should mention that this time loop experience has been going on for a number of months, far longer than the symptoms of illness recurred.) I'm not a scientist or a doctor. I don't have a lot of opportunity to make big changes in Anything over the next seven years and, as I recall well from other loops, I keep having debilitating flare ups just as I am right now, so how on Earth I can do anything extra is beyond my ability to understand.
In fact, I remember eventually becoming so very ill that I simply wish to no longer be here and stop pursuing medical treatment, because I get so tired of suffering and putting my friends and relatives through it all. I've already lived as much of this life as it appears I'll ever get to! I've tried meditation and even prayer (I'm not religious or spiritual, even, but it seemed worth a shot) just to make the time loops stop so I can continue on past 7 years from when a time loop starts. This time, I just Wish and hope for some scientific solution or, frankly, perhaps to be so heavily medicated that I don't have to fully experience everything again. I realize that life may become more difficult, and I may end up with more illnesses as I get older, and certainly I'll lose loved ones. But seriously, I'm up to over 40 times of repeating this time loop-- and note that I decided to stop trying to keep track around forty and hoped/wished/asked/put out to the universe or whomever or whatever that I remember less in order to prevent my brain melting due to pure boredom.
I love my family, friends, animals, and the world but I've had them for a crazy amount of time already and don't wish to continue watching them struggle, either. Many of us aren't super healthy or anywhere near wealthy, so it's not like we're even livin' the good life. In some time loops, I worked on writing. I wrote children's books. I work on horror novels. But I end up realizing that I'm unable to keep up with the work required to succeed as an author in the industry as it stands now... not to mention the tedium of rewriting what is not particularly intellectually stimulating material. Additionally, I should note that I had at least one brain MRI while I was ill and it was normal. I recently had a head CT-- ordered due to leg weakness-- which was also normal. I thank you very much for your time in reading this!
Does anyone know of some kind of scientific professional who studies such matters and would be willing to try and figure out what is going "wrong" here? I consider it to be "wrong" because I'm not happy and no new positive changes occur for others. Short of a major health improvement-- and my condition is chronic (forever) with flare ups, in addition to other health problems-- it isn't as though I can decide to switch tracks and do anything significant in the world, nor do I know whether that would stop the time loops. Maybe they'd continue so that I'd keep making those changes. I want to 1) Understand how and why this is happening, scientifically speaking and, 2) Continue on past 7 years and not come back to do this yet another time. There should be 7 years until it starts all over again, so I have a little time to figure it out. I think that, previously, I ended up not pursuing a scientific method for stopping the time loops because I wanted more time with family and friends. But they are suffering over and over, too, (short of a multiverse-type situation) and I'm tired of watching them suffer. I'd like-- short of some catastrophe, which is always possible-- to live the next seven years and then live the next however many years I have left in this life. If it's just seven and what comes next is nothingness (which is what I essentially believe in, although time loop wackiness makes one wonder about a lot of options) or nothing worse than this life, I want to move on.
