The TT Claimants' Hall of Shame


Chrono Cadet
The TT Claimants\' Hall of Shame

Subject: Chronohistorian

Active: 752 Days (7 Apr 2004 – 29 Apr 2006)

Time Period: From the year 2522

Notable Threads:


Chronohistorian is a time traveler from the year 2522. He was born in England, so we can safely assume that there really will ALWAYS be an England. During his first incarnation at TTI, he claimed to be 22 years old and had two children, aged 5 and 3. Although unmarried, he had a “partner”. He stated that marriages did exist in his time, but were not as common as they are today. He travelled to the year 2004 via use of a “matter transporter”, and was scheduled to be returned to his time in 2012. The “matter transporter” was capable of transporting anyone or anything anywhere on Earth within a 700 year time frame (which would have put his past limit at 1822), but was not capable of sending anyone forward in time. He was accompanied on his trip by a “time guard” and a female doctor.

The first sign that something was going very wrong for Chrono was his formula for light speed travel. He claimed it was accomplished via mixing water, hydrogen (which is already present in water), francium and “lunarium” (which has not yet been discovered.) Courtesy of Kye, we learned that francium has a half-life of approximately 22 minutes. Chrono countered that their technology allows them to extend the life of any element, but he did not elaborate on how this was accomplished.

The purpose of his trip was to recover history between 1970 and 2150 that had been “lost”. He would not make the cause for this loss known. As a historian, he was to apply his History-Fu toward the efforts of recovering this lost history. However, it would appear that all he did was troll TTI and watch the Simpsons.

In reality, his history skills left much to be desired. He was unable to answer elementary questions about history correctly, and did not even bother to look up the answers to easily researched questions. For example, he claimed that nuclear fission was discovered in 2095. In realty, Enrico Fermi conducted the first fission experiments in 1934. When pressed on this, he claimed that we were unable to harnass nuclear fission for anything other than bombs. In fact, nuclear fission is the basis for all nuclear power.

Furthermore, history is a decidedly academic profession. Chronohistorian’s use of language belied someone of little education. He had a quirk of saying, “I aren’t” as opposed to “I am not.”

While discussing the doctor that accompanied him, he mentioned that she had served on the ship Trinkamalee with his father. Trincomalee is a port city on the east coast of Sri Lanka. The HMS Trincomalee is a British frigate from the Napoleonic Wars currently docked in Hartlepool, UK. Furthermore, there is a children’s story published in the early 1990s called The Treasures of Trinkamalee.

His original profile name was listed as Brick Burkstorm. RainmanTime was able to determine that there was a Sci-Fi serial in 1948 titled Brick Bradford. In this serial, a character named Dr. Tymak discovered a new element that originated on the moon. They named this new element, you guessed it, lunarium.

Chrono went on to expound at great length about life in 2522. This was mostly cribbed from Star Trek and other notable science fiction series. Details are available in the thread.

This did, however, segue into the first in a series of weird hops that this story takes. Of course, when anyone presents themselves as a time traveler, everybody wants to hear predictions of what is going to happen in the immediate future. Well, apparently, all that TV watching inspired Chrono, because declared that Britney Spears was to pose nude within the next two years. This engendered quite a kerfuffle, inasmuch as it was surprising that someone from 500 years in the future would give Crap One about Britney Spears.

“We still have britney spears nude in my time. You can access her over the internet or download her to have cyber sex with.” – Chronohistorian 13 Apr 2004

This fabulous advance in technology is possible courtesy of the “life simulator”. Ever seen Star Trek? Remember the holodeck? Same thing. So apparently, in the future, people take a tool that could be used to improve the lives of every man, woman and child in the universe… a boon to all sentient entities… and use it to pork insignificant celeb-tards that have been dead for over 500 years.

But, this is far from the strangest thing to come out of Chrono’s mouth. By the time we get to the end of this tale, you’ll be looking back on the Britney Spears thing with fondness for the simple normality of it all.

A brief mention of the Lizarians would be appropriate here. They are highly advanced civilization of lizard aliens that are involved in a sort of “mentor” role with Earth in 2522. They have two hearts and no intestines, speak English, and look like lizards, only bigger. They also enjoy chatting on the 26th century internet.

As time wore on, Chrono started expressing admiration for Adolf Hitler…. No, really. He said that aside from the whole holocaust thing, and WWII, and running Germany into the ground, he was a great leader.

“he was a good leader however he did kill other people which was bad but overall he was good” – Chronohistorian 10 Jun 2004

Things really started to go downhill for Chrono upon the arrival of Trollface. Any assertion made by Chrono, Trollface was prepared to refute six different ways. Eventually, Chrono told a joke that was construed as prejudiced. Chrono then challenged Trollface to tell a joke that wasn’t prejudiced. Trollface responded with an entire series of jokes, including a joke about squirrels:

Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.


Q: Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: It was stapled to the first squirrel.


Q: Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a new kind of game.
-Trollface 10 June 2004

Chrono was having none of this! He may love Hitler, but insensitivity to squirrels is over the line!

“it is a valid question. you just made a joke about a squirrel committing suicide accidently because he thought it was a game. so would it be funny if someone made a joke of a human suicide?” - Chronohistorian 11 Jun 2004

Just to compound matters, Godwin’s Law gets invoked in the least likely to be Godwin’d thread in the history of threads. But, Godwin’d it is… and just to compound matters, Chrono continues to maintain the “Hitler is Great” party line in the face of a Dutch moderator. Of course, this sets the thread on a course for “Free Speech Island”, in which Chrono compares being banned from the forum to being thrown out of an airplane without a parachute. (Good thing he isn’t a squirrel.) This is equivalent to “killing their spirit”.

So, this wears on and on, with assorted tangents: Hitler, a race of sentient cats that hate the Earth because it smells bad, freedom of speech, linguistics, whether or not Chrono masturbates (yes, really), and other various and sundry topics.

Suddenly, Chrono announces that he has been drafted to fight a war against the aforementioned cats. Chrono will now be known as Brick from heretofore, as the username Chronohistorian was taken over by 13 year old Kaine Harrison, who was from 2523, and was here to replace Brick while he fought in the war. Kaine was pretty boring, to be honest, and just re-hashed some of the old Chrono predictions.

From a psychological standpoint, this was a good move for the Chronohistorian concept. The Hitler love had really moved the topic away from time travel and into a very political realm, under which a lot of folks were very upset. People were registering on the forums just to post their disgust. This removed “Brick”, who had made the Hitler comments and replaced him with, ostensibly, a young boy, who had not said anything so inflammatory. Whether or not anyone believed Chrono/Brick/Kaine, everyone seemed to be willing to play along with the narrative.

Kaine was quickly replaced by Brick’s cousin James, who was either 13 years old, or the person driving the Chrono concept forgot he wasn’t Kaine for a post. James advised that Brick had been captured by the Skaarans. After giving some brief details about the war, and how it was going, James stopped posting.

Nothing was heard again until 4 April 2005. Brick had returned! He told the tale of his daring escape from Skaaran prison, which relied heavily on plot points cribbed from the Bruce Willis vehicle, Hudson Hawk . Sadly, Earth of the future was left with no choice but to destroy the Skaaran homeworld and genocide the entire race. (This may explain why he was so comfortable expressing his admiration for Hitler, anyway.) He didn’t respond to many direct questions, other than to give details of his escape and the destruction of the Skaaran planet.

Again, Brick disappeared, but, almost exactly a year later, on 13 Apr 2006, he returned for his final pass at TTI. This incarnation of Brick claimed to be 101 years old, and Deputy Governor of England. His mastery of the language had not improved. He did however have another tale to tell.
Despite the fact that he had declared multiple times that there would not be a civil war in the United States, he claimed that a race war was about to begin. The crux of it was that a sort of Ku Kux Klan organization would go around assassinating various politicians until they somehow claimed power. They would then engage in a war with a Latino homeland called Aztlan, and deport non-whites from the US. This war was said to CONCLUDE in 2013, so they may want to get going on it soon.

“I am entitled to forget a couple of things aren't I?”
“I aren't on any drugs”
“I know lot about history which makes me important as a time traveller.”
“They don't probe your asses I don't think or if they do they never told us when their ambassadors came.”

Martin Luther King, Jr did porn prior to getting into civil rights. –Courtesy of Creedo299

• Michael Jackson will live another 25 years (from 2004) – [FAIL – Michael Jackson died 25 Jun 2009, or about 20 years earlier than predicted.]

• Terrorists will attack Big Ben in London NLT 2011.

• Britney Spears will pose nude NLT 2006. [SUCCESS – Spears posed nude for Harper’s Bazaar in August 2006]

• The Simpsons will have a movie NLT 2007 [SUCCESS – The Simpons Movie was released in 2007]

• George W. Bush wins the Nobel Peace Prize [FAIL – Unless he gets one for non-presidential work, a la Jimmy Carter.]

• An asteroid or nuke will hit Russia and kill 3 million people in 2007. [FAIL – This didn’t happen.]

• A vaccine for preventing cancer will be discovered NLT 2006 [MODIFIED SUCCESS – In 2009, the HPV vaccine, which prevents various uro-genital cancers was made available to the public.]

• First person on Mars will be a woman, in the year 2025.

• UN/NATO troops marching in the streets of the US in 2006. [FAIL – Well, I guess American troops could be construed as NATO troops, but they were hardly marching in the street.]

• Jesus Christ will be reborn in 2200. He goes on to contradict this prediction on 27 Apr 2006, “Jesus Christ does not come back.”

• Direct quote…“In about 30 years you discover an animal in the (like one of those cats with no fur but twice as big) amazonian rainforest and you you find out that it is over 300 years old. You bring it back to study and it dies within 6 months. You study it some more and you find out that it has a gene for slowing down the aging process. It is another 40 years before you can safely replicate this gene and it is a great success. The gene slows down the aging process by 2 thirds. So when your 100 you still look 33.”

• Global warming happens in 90 years. (I’m not sure how it just “happens”) Parts of Britian and Europe are covered in a mini ice age for a couple of years until NASA reverses the effects with a terraforming device.

• Martial Law declared in Britian for 3 months following the Big Ben attack. [ALMOST A FAIL – There was no martial law declared after 7/7, however, the Big Ben attack prediction will not be a total fail until April 2011.]

• Democracy lasts for 5 years in Iraq, followed by civil war and dictatorship. [FAIL – “Free and fair” elections were held in Iraq for the first time in Jan 2005. Here in Aug 2010, democracy shows no signs of waning, and recently, all US combat troops have been removed from Iraq. On 7 Mar 2010, a parliamentary election was again held in Iraq, and that parliament was seated on 14 Jun 2010. Considering the condition of Iraq in 2004, it is incredibly stable.]

• Osama Bin Laden is captured, taken to Camp X-Ray, and subsequently freed after terrorists attack the camp. [EPIC FAIL – Camp X-Ray was closed on 29 Apr 2002, about 2 years before Chronohistorian “predicted” this. Detainees at X-Ray were moved to Camp Delta, which is facing closure as well, as part of the Obama administration’s approach to closing down the war effort.]

• The Pope dies within a year (made 11 Apr 2004) – [SUCCESS – Pope John Paul II died 2 Apr 2005, at the age of 84. In 2003 the Vatican had acknowledged that His Holiness was suffering from Parkinsons, as the Pontiff was unable to speak more than a few sentences at a time, and was visibly in poor health. This was pointed out by Kye and RMT at the time.]

• Civil war in Zimbabwe within 7 years (2011)

So concludes the tale of Chronohistorian. But, every April, the denizens of TTI collectively hold their breath to see if he may yet return.

Mod Edit: Changed Title to be generic HOS thread.
Re: Hall of Shame - Chronohistorian

Absolutely fantabulous, DD! WELL DONE! Quite a walk down Chrono Memory Lane for me! I feel old. :D

My only two complaints are that I saw nothing about the muscle trees or timecake in your summary. But with as many bizzaro things as Chrono babbled on about, I can't blame you for missing those two. The muscle tree thing was a brief foray into metered insanity by our boy.

Now I've got to figure out how to make posts sticky, and then merge this with the other one. I think we should have one, continuing thread as our TT HOS.

Keep up the fine reconstructive work! You are a very good writer.
Re: The TT Claimants\' Hall of Shame

Subject: Akasha
Active: 1 day, 1 Jun 2006
Time Period: Was not obvious
See Thread:

Can’t spell: traveler, skeptical, laboratory, novelty, afraid, modernized, counseling, overweight, organization. (I’m not being cruel, these are repeated errors, or obviously not typos)

Doesn’t appreciate the difference between “affect” and “effect”.

Major Contradiction:
“Children are given different lessons, your government did decide enough was enough and launched the "Make children, children" scheme... We in the future learn all the things you people should have been taught at schools... social classes, learning to look after yourself in the big wide world. There is also more support for people trying to get into their chosen career.” – Akasha 1 Jun 2006

In the very next paragraph:
“Parents are given more responsibility, no longer is the government/teaching body incharge [sic] of getting children to school/ teaching them morals/ encouraging them to use contraceptives when they become aware of sex... we operate on a three strike rule... your kids behave badly, you let them jack off school, you let them have sex... you pay the fines” – Akasha 1 Jun 2006

Itemized Predictions:

• Hover cars exist, but are not commonly used.

• “Green” cars and “green” fuels were suppressed. [FAIL – both technologies are being pursued diligently, and new consumer product developments are rapidly debuting]

• Computers become smaller, floppy and DVD drives are phased out in favor of USB drives. [SUCCESS – However, anybody with a passing familiarity of technology saw this coming.]

• Sound is used to clean things

• Cure for HIV/AIDS involving Silver. (Not me… the metal.) Cure currently exists in our time but the American government is suppressing it.

• Cancer treatments and cures improve

• Compulsory pregnancy and STD counseling (presumably in the UK, which is where Akasha seems to be from. Any Brits wanna chime in on this?)

• Bird Flu reached the UK in a human transmittable form, but only affected people who worked with birds and medical personnel. [FAIL]

• Obese people are taxed. The government provides a “Gym for Free” scheme.

• The pope will be forced to leave his position within a few years, after persuading people to do bad things. [FAIL – Benedict XVI has been pope for over 5 years and there is no sign of him stepping down for any reason]

• Astrological event occurs in 2012 that will be both beautiful and deadly. I am uncertain as to what an “astrological event” is.

• Volcanic eruption between 1 Jun 2006 and 1 Jun 2007, with residual earthquakes and tsunamis. [FAIL – I could find no reference to any notable volcanic eruptions in this time period]

• The Conservative party will win the next election. [SUCCESS – Gordon Brown led Labour to defeat in 2010, and David Cameron, a Conservative, was made Prime Minister]

• The London Olympics will not occur

• England will not win the 2006 World Cup [SUCCESS – Italy did. But, I predict the Kansas City Royals will not win the 2010 World Series, and I promise you I’m right.]

• Big Brother will not be renewed past the 2006 season. [TOSSUP – In the US and the UK and around the world, Big Brother soldiers on. In the Netherlands, where Big Brother originated, it did in fact air its last season in 2006.]

• There is a Channel 6 in the UK. [???? – There’s a Channel 5, anyway. There’s what looks to be 4 BBCs, plus a Channel 4… not to mention a few hundred satellite channels.]

• One of the first commercial space flights ends in disaster because of cost-cutting measures.


This one interested me because he did successfully predict a Tory victory in a UK general election at a time when no one could have seen that coming. As I looked deeper into it, I saw that he just threw a ton of darts and, lo and behold, a couple of them stuck.

Submitted for comment,
-D. Dodge Silver
Re: Hall of Shame - Chronohistorian

Somehow, I managed to miss the whole muscle tree thing... don't ask me how, cause if I'd caught that, it would be up there for sure. I'm still not seeing anything about timecake, other than his sig, which is about cake. (Doing a find on the word "time" or "cake" causes too many hits in the thread.)
Re: Hall of Shame - Chronohistorian

I'm still not seeing anything about timecake, other than his sig, which is about cake. (Doing a find on the word "time" or "cake" causes too many hits in the thread.)

Actually, that is probably down to my faulty memory. We had a comic relief character (dave kinky) who was having quite a bit of fun re-interpreting Chrono's fantastic story. And I think it was Dave who originated the "timecake" moniker mostly because of Chrono's consistent use of his personal abomination of the "can't have your cake and eat it too" saying.

Here is one of his later references to the muscle trees on the Lizarian's world:

I will see if I can find the original...
Good times!
Re: Hall of Shame - Chronohistorian

The ORIGINAL muscle tree reference! Wow, revisiting the past really does bring a tear to one's eye!

lots of weird things happen in space and lunarium is just one of them. On some planets trees aren't wood, they are muscle.

Re: Hall of Shame - Chronohistorian

Well, I did notice that if you change your sig, it retroactively changes across all of your posts. This means that you were quoting Shinedown back in 2004. I guess we know who the REAL time traveler is!
Re: Hall of Shame - Chronohistorian

Well, I did notice that if you change your sig, it retroactively changes across all of your posts. This means that you were quoting Shinedown back in 2004. I guess we know who the REAL time traveler is!

Uh oh! I am getting the sinking feeling that I may end up as a report here in the HOS! :D
Re: The TT Claimants\' Hall of Shame

Nothing was heard again until 4 April 2005. Brick had returned! He told the tale of his daring escape from Skaaran prison, which relied heavily on plot points cribbed from the Bruce Willis vehicle, Hudson Hawk .

Actually I am reminded more of the home planet of the Daleks from Dr Who.......a planet called Skaro.

It's my opinion that when people contrive a planet name, they will often pull up something half buried from subconscious that they've partly forgotten. Being British, Chronohistorian would undoubtedly have watched the Dr Who series at some time. I can still recall the very first episode in 1963.
Re: The TT Claimants\' Hall of Shame

I should add also that 'Skaara' is a character from the Stargate series....though I'm not quite sure when that character first made an appearance. First mention I can see is 2001, which is 4 years before Chronohistorian used the name 'Skaara'........but in fact even the 2001 film is a compilation of Stargate going back as far as 1997.

As for the name 'Brick'.....well, look no further than Lego Star Wars : Revenge Of The Brick..... a short animation spoof of Revenge Of The Sith.
Re: The TT Claimants\' Hall of Shame

Dearest prehistoric human

I am impressed with your loving dissection of the boy Chronohistorian's poor career in 'pretending to be John Titor', a minor past-time which I understand some of you primitive cave dwellers tend to enjoy when you're not illegally downloading pornography or buying computer games or watching national karaoke contests on your hilarious 2d visual viewing devices.

What you failed to include was Chronohistorian's eventual demise (in the timeline where he didn't grow up at last and discover beer and girls, although I suspect he probably just buys computer games, has still never drank beer and still has never actually talked to a girl, though he must be about 17 now, but I digress), after his pathetic deputy governor-ship of England, dear Brick was melted down to a thin strip of personality and grafted onto my own mighty cerebral cortex to be eternally tormented by deft electro-shocks and sarcasm, which is where in fact he still marginally exists to this very day (far in your future). He is nought but an occasional whining electronic voice in my head railing against his final digital resting place and dreaming of conquest of the stars assisted by his stinking Lizardan allies, surrounded by scantily clad muscle trees and gorging on time-cake.

Suffice to say, myself (that is, the Dave), Creedo299 - my furry pet, John Titor and his nephew Ethan and the timeship Zodiac are still out there in the deep folds of time (much like a cosmic lady garden) and occasionally popping back to the 21st century to see what you're all up to here, in your ancient badly-lit caves.

Much love
Re: Hall of Shame - Chronohistorian

Well, I did notice that if you change your sig, it retroactively changes across all of your posts. This means that you were quoting Shinedown back in 2004. I guess we know who the REAL time traveler is!

I believe Chronohistorian had several signatures and the cake one was the one he landed on. I was going to write them down, but decided not to eventually. The threads were very entertaining though.
Re: The TT Claimants\' Hall of Shame

If it is spelled about the same, Skaarans are a lizard type race in FARSCAPE's 4 year TV show along with almost or sneaking up or going to be type of war with the Peacekeepers, a type of human race when John Crighton (spelling) gets thrown through a black hole in his special shuttle doing some type of gravity experiment and ends up in another Universe with other spacealiens.
Re: The TT Claimants\' Hall of Shame

Here we are, almost April... I'm getting excited. Will Chrono come back? Will he be 13 years old again? How about 127? Does England persevere into the 24th century? Can't wait for the exciting answers!
Re: The TT Claimants\' Hall of Shame

i guess he didnt come back then,,hea, i sit here and read the post, they were entertaining,
i check in every once in a while to see whats going on,
see whats new in the land of time travel and magik, magiks cool
peace ,
twilightsky :oops: